seshemherkekewet

Because of Aset's recent influence (at least over my baked goods) I decided to leave her an offering last night, and see what happens. Of course, I didn't focus very well, which probably didn't help, but at least I gave it a shot. I plan on trying to work a bit more with her later in the week. It's odd, when I work with most gods, I get urges, pokes, prods- things that let me know what they want. Yet she is uber quiet. The only thing I've gotten from her is the baked good whatnot. So I'm not sure if that's all the influence she wants over my stuff, or what. I guess we'll see.

Last night I tried to read more of my Ra book. However, I got really tired from reading (reading taxes my eyes big time) and wound up sleeping. Ironically, I slept, took a shower, laid down and went back to sleep. That was my night. Not very eventful lol. But ohwell, if my system is tired, I think I should let it sleep. However because of this, I don't have much to report.

I did have a random dream during my... nap. I was in a classroom, and the teacher was talking about a war and I was counting dogs in a corral. Random.

I eventually tried the muffins I made. My so likes them, but I think they taste like crap. So from now on, I make my own muffins. I'm totally behind on my life in general. I have a boat load of small things I need to get done, yet I'm so tired and lethargic that I don't really want to do them. I'm not sure what to do about that. Perhaps I need to make a list, and then just start doing them, maybe one a night. It's annoying because I have so many things I want to do and want to get into, yet there just aren't enough hours in the day. I don't have enough time to go home, clean, cook, read, meditate, talk to the gods, work on art, crochet/sew, and relax all in one night. So I'm gonna have to figure out how I want to go about devoting a little bit of time to each without overloading myself.

With my stress, and my job and being disgruntled with my job, I've decided the best way to fix things is to keep my options open. I haven't left the job market, and I'm not going to. I don't want to get trapped in a job that will destroy all that I've done so far. So I'm going to keep applying to things, and keep building my portfolio (which I have slated for winter stuff).

Hurrah. I want to sleep. I need effing eyedrops for my eyes. Too bad I can't afford them- like everything else. Of course, no one needs help with health care! Are you daft?! It's annoying, I make too much to get help in that arena, but not enough to actually afford it. I live paycheck to paycheck as it is, let alone adding another bill to the mix. *sigh*

Well that should be all. I'm off to attempt to go work. We'll see how that goes.

Most of this post will contain non-religious/spiritual crap. I hope that doesn't bother anyone. I know this is supposed to be more along a religious/spiritual journal... but this is the only journal I have with readers, so I'm posting it here. Not to mention religion is taking a back seat while I try and get my stress levels down. So I have to fill up the space with something (lol).

Anywho, so I did make an honest attempt to relax this weekend. I slept in. I lounged around and didn't do a whole lot, etc. Saturday, I spent most of my morning cleaning, which certainly wasn't relaxing, but I wanted a clean house, a clean slate to give this a shot with. In the afternoon, I put on a "hippy cd" as I call them (various word-free songs that you'd hear in a metaphys shop), and took a bath, and just laid on the bed, trying to zen out. Well, I zenned- I went in and out of consciousness, thought about nothing, etc. It was a weird feeling. I did this for about 2 hours. And when I woke up, all I could describe myself as was tired. I didn't feel any better. My muscles still tensed, reminding me that something must still be agitating me underneath the surface. But whatever, I stuck it out. Later in the evening, we went to various stores to kill time, and just keep me busy. However, on the way home I realized something very important- I can't read the street signs. And whatever form of relaxation I might have attained was shattered. I was so upset that I cried. Why? You ask. Well because it means my glasses are no longer helping me to see. It would help to explain why I've had a headache for the past week. Why no amount of pills helps. Why it's getting harder to watch tv. Etc. And now that I know I can't see at night, I know there is no avoiding it. My eyes have changed, and I'm gonna probably have these headaches for a long ass time. Because I can't afford them.

Isn't America great?

And because of this, it led me to think about everything at work stressing me out, making me upset that we weren't doing as well as I'd like, etc. Me and my so stayed up until 2, talking about things, trying to get me to not be as upset. It never really worked.

Sunday. A new day. Well the morning didn't start out well for me to stay stress free. The previous night's events hadn't completely gone away, and I was just worn out and tired to begin with. We went to the bookstore, to see if they had a cookbook for cats (yes, you read right). While my so flipped through books, I looked at the opposite shelf, reading all of teh ecological book titles- various books on how we're destroying our planet, that we can fix things, but no one cares or wants to. Etc. From there, we went to Petsmart, and I hate it there. They treat their fish like crap, and it frustrates me. Betas in cups, tens of goldfish dead in their tanks. It's sickening. Here's a random factoid for you: fish can feel just as much pain as you or I. They aren't stupid, non-thinking creatures that you can just kill at random, and expect them not to notice they're dead.

So these things led me to think about how people suck. That we treat animals and our planet like crap. So many people have no consideration for anyone else. For anything different from themselves. And it makes me sick. I want to help people so much, yet part of me has to ask why. We as a species do so many stupid, idiotic things. I just don't understand it.

Needless to say, it took me a while to get out of that. I spent the rest of the afternoon baking (my effing loaf molded...) and painting some statuary. It was nice, though, I can't say I was completely relaxed by the end of the evening. I just don't know what else I can do... ugh. Now, today, I'm totally tired, and feel a bit depressive. Never a good thing. I'll just have to figure something out, I guess.

I let the gods know that I was taking a break, trying to get my shit back together, so there may not be as many offerings, conversations, and the like for a while. It's really hard to me to stop, though. I almost feel guilty, not doing my normal routine for the gods.. I'm not sure what that means either. I figure it cutting out that portion doesn't help, then I'm gonna cont. to do it, because it's not Their fault that I'm sorta breaking under the pressure.

On a totally random note, I actually have a popular post on HoN. Surprise surprise.

I came upon a realization last night, and I have no idea how I didn't know or notice but- I'm stressed. Apparently, like, super stressed. And I can pinpoint a couple reasons why. Namely, I'm concerned about my job. I'm worried that I'll be unemployed again, that things will go downhill in a spiraling shithole of doom. Which doesn't help me to feel better. Another problem, I don't go home and relax. I'm pretty much up and doing *something* 24/7. Apparently that's bad for you :P

Along with this stress, I've been more irritable. I find that people annoy me more frequently, and that little things slowly drive me nuts. I've also noticed a HUGE problem with this stress thing- I can't hear a goddamned thing. What? You say- You've become deaf? In a sense- yes. I can no longer sense things that are related to the gods, or whatever else is on the non-physical plane. The stress has basically shut down my religious/spiritual efforts. Joy.

So that being said, I apparently need to work on this thing called "relaxing". Hmmmm.... I'm new to this whole relaxing thing, and really, I have no idea how to relax. I'm a true virgo in that I seem to just love stressing, and usually I deal with it well (and actually, up until this year, didn't stress much at all). And the other problem is, the normal things that relax most people don't do crap for me. Television, games, yoga, meditation- none of that relaxes me. TV to me makes you stupider (my gma beat this into me at a young age), and games just don't relax me much. Doesn't help that I need new glasses, and tv's make my head hurt (lovely... and it'll be years before I can buy a new set). Meditation doesn't work for me. I just can't let go most of the time. And yoga... well.. I normally talk to my so while I do it, so it's not really effective.

So how does one relax? I'm certainly at a loss. Any ideas?